It's just not what I expected.
Everyone thinks that to some degree, I suppose. But the grief here is different.
You may have been handed the poem about the trip to Holland. You know the one, where you thought you were going to Italy, you landed somewhere else, and now here are the tulips. But honestly, sometimes it's a stretch to call it tulips.
Everyone's experience is different. You might have imagined going to a restaurant to celebrate after a big game. Maybe you imagined a vacation with moments of laughing on a sandy beach. Or milestones like birthday parties, first boyfriends or girlfriends, graduations, even more. They didn't happen. Or when they did, you spent so much energy just getting through them that they felt nothing like what you'd imagined.
Not exactly tulips.
You're thinking about day-to-day survival. How do you get this kid to school? You didn't realize a child could be so violent toward himself! You didn't expect to feel frightened of your child. You didn't expect to be protecting your other children.
A wild amount of energy is focused on finding the next provider you think might be able to help your child and your family. Who knows about this challenge? Who can help? So much feels like it's riding on getting this under control.
It feels like no one else can do it but you.
This is not what you thought parenting would be like. You may not have time to grieve. The thought comes, Oh. I thought it was going to be that, but I guess it's this. Then you keep moving and get through the moment. Sometimes you don't know what the end game is.
There are moments you think, well, it could get better! It is better. It's better today!
And then something happens, and it's not better.
And then you think, oh, it's a little better today - a hair better.
And then something else happens.
And then you realize that this is how it will be.
You will work to see the good in your life. They tell us to be grateful! It is hard to do. It is sad to let go of being the parent you wanted to be.
This isn't to say you don't love your child. Of course you do.
But it is not what you thought, and it requires more of you than you thought you had to give, with less good stuff coming back in. Many parents struggle with parenting, but they get the good stuff too. For them, it's a mix.
You've got a different mix. There may be fewer moments that make parenting feel rewarding, or those moments may look different from what you expected. Some kids have less good stuff to give because they're struggling so much. Not because they don't love their parents.
It's a loss. And it makes sense to be sad about it.
Maybe you expect me to end this on a rosy note and tell you to find the tulips in your life! Not exactly.
I'm all for noticing the tulips. But don't just look for the good stuff. Create some.
Start small. Find one small place in your day that's just for you. A few minutes outside alone. A moment to savor a chocolate. Ten minutes with a book. A phone call with someone you like.
It doesn't have to be big! It just has to be for you, and it has to happen regularly.